Pumpkin Poem or Two by Tony Hickman
All poems are copyrighted. Request to publish any poem requires permission from Tony Hickman. If you would like to see how my pumpkin patch is doing this 2001, please stop by.
WHO
Who’s got the biggest
And who’s didn’t bust
Who’s telling lies
And who can we trust
Who’s keeping secrets
And who’s helping out
Who’s filled with confidence
And who’s filled with doubt
Who used good seed
And who made do
It could be me
Or it could be you
The weigh-off is near
Everyone is tense
Remember the grass is always greener
On the other side of the fence
It’s Not That Far
After many months it was time to go
And take my baby to the pumpkin show
I’ll just pop it into the back of the car After all its not that far
My wife and I and a friend named Sam
Lifted it into the back of the van
I packed some blankets all around
Found some rope and tied it down
It looked secure in the back of the car
After all its not going far
Go easy on the brakes, my wife said
It might roll forward and we’ll all be dead
I could imagine the headlines Pumpkins
Kill As I drove slowly down a very steep hill
Then my daughter screamed as loud as a goose
Oh my god the pumpkins loose
It hit the back seat with one hell of a thump
My wife opened the door and was ready to jump
Just hang on to it, and get back in the car
We’re nearly there, its not that far
A little bit further I heard my daughter beg
Help me dad its squashing my leg
And the stem is tangled in my hair
Just hang on we’re nearly there
I got to the weigh-off just in time
My family was shaken but they’ll be fine
My pumpkin got there without a scar
Just as I planned because it wasn’t that far.
The Next Door Neighbour
I was at the weigh-off
Admiring the fruits of my labor
When I bumped into Sam
My next-door neighbour
Now he doesn’t grow pumpkins
I know this for sure
Because the ground in his yard
Is extremely poor
He said he was there
To win a big prize
And he had a pumpkin
Of enormous size
And he wasn’t joking
He stole the show
He won a beautiful trophy
And a pile of dough
I just couldn’t believe it
How did you grow it I said
I found it last week
Behind my shed
Your pumpkin plant
All green and dense
Grew into my yard
Through my back fence
It was in my yard
So its legally mine
And you can come over tomorrow
And remove your vine
The Hoochy Coochy
A mate of mine
He’s a bit of a prude
He thinks pollinating flowers
Is something rude
I have to help him
When the time comes
He gets all shy
And he’s all thumbs
He talks to them nicely
“Your a pretty yellow”
“Here Mrs flower”
“Meet your new fellow”
And that’s where he stops
He just hasn’t got the heart
To finish the job
And do the important part
“She’s not ready”
“To be a mother”
“They’ve only just met”
“They hardly know each other”
“Shouldn’t we marry them”
“Or at least dim the light”
“I just can’t do this”
“It doesn’t seem right”
That’s when I take over
It’s all up to me
To do what I call
The hoochy coochy
You stand back
And close your eyes
And I’ll do the deed
Before she dies
When the jobs all over
Just for a joke
I lie down by the flower
And light up a smoke
It’s Getting Close
It’s getting close
Only two months to go
I’m scared to death
My pumpkin might blow
My hairs turning gray
Somethings not right
I pace up and down
I can’t sleep at night
I’m smoking so much
I’ve developed a cough
And drinking more often
I’ll have to lay off
What lays in store
Will my pumpkin stop growing
I measure it daily
I can’t handle not knowing
Who’s pumpkin will win
Will it be mine
I’m scared and excited
All at the same time
The Pumpkin Oath
I will take care of my pumpkin
I will do my best
Until it matures
I shall not rest
I will treat them the same
No best and no worst
I will feed them well
And not let them thirst
I will give them the respect
That they deserve
And not rely on one pumpkin
I ll keep at least one in reserve
And I will never laugh
At another grower
That has done their best
But their weight was lower
I shall be kind and considerate
And try not to snoop
I ll be an outstanding member
Of this pumpkin group
The Pumpkin God
I need a sacrifice for the pumpkin god
To make him happy I need a dead bod
Maybe a moose or a buck or a doe
I can’t make up my mind which way to go
A chicken or rabbit or maybe a cat
Something to please him and make my pumpkin fat
A snake or a lizard or even a hound
Anything that might improve the ground
Some panthers or leopards or even some lions
So I can grow some healthy long vines
Some hippies or skinheads or maybe some thugs
To keep him happy and keep out the bugs
Maybe an eagle or a crow or a crane
Anything that might bring me some rain
A hippo or an elephant but only just one
Anything that might get me more sun
Maybe a rhino that’s been freshly shot
Could put an end to the blossom end rot
A wombat or koala or a kangaroo
Just in case of powdery mildew
I’ll sacrifice anything, I don’t care what the cost
To keep away the killing frost
A salmon or trout or even a sturgeon
Because I’m damned if I can find, a young blond virgin
R.I.P.
Around my garden
Are some large tombstones
Lasting reminders
Of the pumpkins, I’ve grown
My pumpkins to me
Are family or kin
I couldn’t let them rot
In a compost bin
Here lies Betty
At 854
She blew out
Couldn’t take anymore
And this one’s for Princess
The bugs had a feast
She died slowly
May she rest in peace
Over there lies Bertha
She got herself caught
In a violent hailstorm
Her life was cut short
And there’s old Mavis
The best of the lot
An unfortunate victim
Of blossom end rot
And poor old Bumpkin
Her belly was rotten
She’s gone now
But not forgotten
I’ll never forget Blossom
She met with bad luck
On the way to the weigh-off
She rolled off the truck
And my only success
I called her Flo
She won second place
At the pumpkin show
Mother natures rule
Says we must part
This pumpkin growing
Sure breaks my heart
A TRUE STORY
I examined my pumpkin the other night And what I found was an ugly site
I measured around and over the top
And then I found…… the blossom end rot
I stepped back and covered my face
After all that work, I’m out of the race I went to the house and rolled a smoke
I told the kids, they thought it was a joke
But they knew it was true because my face was pale I opened the fridge and downed an ale I’ll call my mate, he’ll know what to do “Your joking” he said” That can’t be true”
“Pick it now, get it out of your patch
The bugs will get in, lay eggs, and hatch
Get it out of there, the place it was born in And we will fix it up tomorrow morning”
I couldn’t lift it by myself
So I sent the kids to get some help
The neighbors came, “You want to lift something” “Yes, I need a hand to move my pumpkin”
“Do it yourself, you don’t need four” “Are your wives busy, we might need more”
We went to the garden, I showed them my prize They stood in awe,
couldn’t believe their eyes
So I got a tarp and we gathered around
“We’ll get it in the middle, then lift it off the ground”
My sick neighbor, he had a bad cough
Grabbed it by the stem and snapped it right off
I nearly cried and I said a rude word Loud enough that the whole world heard
He looked at the stem, it was long and fat
Then he thew it away, he said “You can’t eat that”
I finally calmed down, though my face was still red “Just lift it ” I
snapped, and get it into the shed It was still in one piece, in its
bright orange glory And my neighbor is still alive,to pass on the story
The next day the pumpkin Doc came around His beaming smile quickly
turned to a frown The colour is good and the shape is a gem
But there’s a whole in the back and you’ve cut off the stem
So I told him the story, he said “You know what I think”
‘You shouldn’t move pumpkins when you’ve had too much to drink “But it was after my neighbor had snapped off the trunk
That I had a few drinks and maybe got drunk
Let this be a lesson, to everyone
Don’t plant too early, don’t jump the gun Take it slow, don’t go full throttle
Or you’ll be drowning your sorrows, in the bottom of a bottle
The Mighty Mable
Now here’s a true story, it’s not a fable
It’s about a pumpkin, the Mighty Mable
There’s this average guy like you and me
Who goes by the name of Wayne Hackney
He had this idea of making somethin
So he made a boat from a giant pumpkin
He grew a beauty, weighed 729 pound
She was big and orange and 172 inches around
But before he could make this pumpkin boat
He had to make sure that it would float
So he and Brian and Mighty Mable
Went down to the lake and found she was able
They went to the marina,to consult an old boater
To how they’d fit the outboard motor
They cut a hole in the top, but she still looked handsome
Made an internal frame and fitted a transom
Fitted a three horsepower motor, so it wouldn’t lag
And added a windshield and the American flag
Then came the day to see if they could
Sail Mighty Mable across Lake Candlewood
Three hundred people had gathered around
He had to do it, he couldn’t back down
They opened the champagne and christened the boat
And prayed to the lord that Mable would float
In an orange tuxedo and a green top hat
They braved the water, but it wasn’t flat
The waves swamped them before twenty feet
It looked like it was over, like he was beat
But he had to do it for the crowds sake
So he tried again on the other side of the lake
After a quick repair because he found a hole
He was ready for action, ready to rock and roll
So he and Mable were back in the drink
Please Lord don’t let me sink
He went out on the lake and turned 360 degrees
The crowd all cheered, they were really pleased
She was holding together like bricks and mortar
But then the waves crashed in and she was taking in water
The motor couldn’t take it, it stalled twice
He crossed his fingers and prayed to Christ
Now it was time for some fast action
A voice in his head said “She’ll not take it Captain”
So the motor came off, it couldn’t take any more
And he finished the journey with his trusty oar
Two miles he traveled in his Cucurboat
And they said it can’t be done, it will never float
After the champagne and a nice cold beer
He had a great idea for the following year
I’ll get a big 150 horsepower motor
And a huge pumpkin, a real good floater
I’ll get my wife in her polka-dot bikinis
To ski behind the pumpkin on two zucchinis
And there’s one thing I haven’t mentioned
Wayne Hackney…..your a living legend
Additional Pumpkin Pages
How To Grow – Records – Clipart – Seeds – Poems – Phantom Pumpkin – Carving – Pumpkin – FAQ’s – How Big is it?